Monkey business in Bali

Have you ever been pulled over by corrupt police officers in a foreign country that advertises their death-penalty law on billboards- then, shortly afterwards, are given conjoined coconut twins as a gift from a Shaman?


Have you climbed a tree in attempt to rescue a homeless cat, and 3/4 of the way up, discover that what you are rescuing is actually a monkey- That didn't need or want to be removed from the tree?

Have you ever used a bamboo stick to transport groceries from the market, while  navigating through an unknown city with hundreds of motorbikes and old diesel worktrucks- who are driving on a street with unmarked holes so large that they could easily swallow a minivan.... then travel past a dozen starving wild dogs, and climb almost 100 moss covered stairs to get to your home that sits in a jungle of palm trees, rice paddies, and poisonous snakes?


Or have you ever walked into what you thought was a yoga class, only to find out that you had actually entered into an ancient ritualistic Hindu ceremony, where you had to kneel and pray to elephant Gods and serpent-headed deities for over an hour while chanting in an unknown language, alternately kissing the floor and rocking your body in circular motions?


In the past 3 days, I have experienced all of these things.

They look mean, but its easy to make them smile- If you're a hot blonde or carrying cash   

These rare conjoined coconuts are as smooth as my new haircut

Cats are so much more fun to rescue

The strangest part about this experience, was everything

Simone and I have seen a lot in the past week. We both had run-ins with untamed Primates, and we were together on 2 separate occasions where we had to bribe Indonesian officials in order to maintain our freedom. Due to these events, we have come to the conclusion that Balinese policemen are MUCH more friendly than monkeys. Maybe a little too friendly...

This is the headshot from the hunky new star of Twilight 4: Vampire Monkeys vs Werewolf's.
And you though Bella had a hard time choosing between Edward and Jacob...

                                      

We were on our way to MT Batur to check out Bali's largest lake, and the island's most deadly Volcano. (We ended up finding what Simone excitedly calls 'Spiderville'.... she's already started writing the script, and is talking to a studio about creating the thriller movie) But I'll get back to that- I need to tell you how we successfully bribed the Police for our second time in 3 days.


The Roadblock looked like any other. Four Police vehicles pulled over to the side of the road, strategically spaced apart and ready for a pursuit if necessary. Three officers on one side of the road, and two on the opposite side. Their target: Us. When I say us, I mean 'white people'. **

Pulled over on the right side of the street was an Australian couple, and lucky for them, they had their I.D and travel-visa documents with them. Simone and I did not. What we had, however, was even more satisfying to the policemen than the appropriate legal documents. The things WE had, were: Muscles, sexy pictures, and cash.

The first thing that the policeman did when we got off our motorcycle, is firmly squeeze my pectoral muscle. My initial reaction was to flex... and I did. The officer enjoyed this. My next thought, was that this situation might end up working out pretty well for us. But as quickly as the consentual molestation had occurred, the officer had already discovered a new prey. His attention quickly switched to Simone as she took off her helmet, executing a headshake and hair-flick that would have made a Herbal Essence shampoo commercial look more innocent than a Sesame Street instructional clip. Revealing a beauty much more interesting to a man than my mediocre and recently untrained chest muscles, Simone now had his full attention. This was perfect, because it gave me time to slip into my pocket and isolate a 50,000 Rupiah bill, so that I could insist that it was the only cash we had on us. The last time we got pulled over, we paid the officers 250,000... but were later told by other policemen that we paid far too much. They expressed to us that in the future, a 50,000 Rupiah  'donation' would be adequate.

So now Simone has to deal with the guy, and what a great job she did. The officer immediately separated us... Clearly he wanted to be alone with her- Apparently, I was cramping his style. It was bizarrely enjoyable to watch the officer, as he appeared more charming and suave than a Cuban salsa instructor, while attempting to threaten Simone with a scenario of "We are going to have to confiscate your motorcycle and bring you to court" ... Which is an Indonesian police term for "This is going to cost you more than 50,000 Rupiah." Meanwhile, I was on the other side of the street thinking to myself "What would Jack Bauer do in this situation..." but I quickly snapped out of it as I caught a glimpse of Simone handing her Iphone to the policeman, and watched in amazement as he started giggling like a little school girl. He excitedly calls over to his Superior to join the party and savor the moment with him. Now all I'm thinking about is how great it would have been if the police acted this way toward me in Los Angeles. (Does anyone remember the time I disappeared for 4 days?) This police encounter in Bali was much, much more enjoyable.

The Police officers now look like little boys that just found their mothers Victoria Secret catalog, and I was just waiting for them to get out a pen and ask Simone for her Autograph. This goes on for several minutes, and then the officer who originally pulled us over puts his game face on, and crosses the street and walks towards me. He says to me, and I'm quoting "You have a very pretty girlfriend. I can't take your money, but you need to go and give my Superior something" I was amused, but not surprised... So I walk over to the Superior in charge, and dig deep into my pockets to pull out my 50,000 bill that was reserved for this moment. He willingly accepts my donation, and wishes us well on our journey to Mt Batur.

 What a day...